I can’t believe the shit I’ve been a part of in my 25 years of living.
Within the last few weeks I went to the restroom at work and had an undeniably insane experience. You know everyone hates going number 2 in public just as much as the next guy right? Well in this scenario, I’m not the perpetrator. I walked into the restroom only to commit 30 seconds of my day away but much more happened. As I was doing my deed a person frantically walks into the restroom, I assume with clinched cheeks, to the stalls. I snickered and moved towards the sink to wash my hands, check out my hair and shit like that because I’m fucking beautiful. Though, I had a thought… No bomb went off over at the south end of el bano (Spanish for “the bathroom”). Seriously, this guy was waiting for me to leave before departing a load from his bowels. The very second that I opened the door to exit the restroom, he must have thought the coast was clear because homie legit ruined himself. Comedy at its finest.
People now-a-days care too much about what people think. Take a page from my playbook. This past weekend, at my cousins wedding, I found myself being the top grosser for the “Dollar Dash”. For those of you that don’t know what this is, you give people “Dollar’s” for whatever the hell reason you can think of and the team with the most money at the end wins. Teams are separated by party so typically Men vs. Women. In a nutshell, The Dollar Dash is when a bunch of white people watch the wedding party dance to “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO. The men won so you could assume that I over worked a pole or two and potentially ruined my grandmother’s night.
Which relative do you think stuffed a $20 bill down my shirt?
I have no business being in a position to be sexy. I think I’m 60 lbs past that lifestyle. Ya know, my ground floor apartment shouldn’t creek when I walk around. But here I am talking about going to Buffalo Wild Wings tonight. Have you ever had their Mozzarella Sticks? This is something everyone can get excited about. Who would have thunk that we live in the best time to be alive. We legit fry cheese and dunk it in 300 calories worth of ranch dressing and that shit is amazing. I don’t even care if my stomach squeals at me for the next 16 hours.
I live a lifestyle that I wouldn’t recommend. The fad of intermittent fasting has rapidly come to fame. I mean… I don’t do that exactly. I do what I call “Purposeful Fasting”. I basically don’t eat all fucking day so that I can sploodge on a delectable meal. The real power behind being obese is that you stay in denial. “I never saw it coming” or “It just snuck up on me one day”… Yeah tubby, that gallon of ice cream and 6 Stromboli’s just came out of the wood work, held you down and gave your mouth a sensation you didn’t ask for.
Thanks for reading everyone! I hope to bring you a full comedy bit soon!